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Pharisee church pastor condemns postal (snail) mail for “promoting homosexual affairs”, calls for boycott by Christians

In today’s sermon, the Pharisee church pastor informed his congregation that he has instructed all church staff and Christian accountability group leaders to discontinue receiving and sending postal (snail) mail, because postal letters can be used to “facilitate and promote homosexual affairs”. He called on all Christians to immediately join in the boycott as well:

“I’ve been in extended counselling with couples with marital problems because of letters sent through the mail for the last year and a half,” said the Pharisee church pastor. “What happens is someone from yesterday surfaces, it leads to conversations and there have been physical meet-ups. The temptation is just too great.”

“The instruction will go to the entire church,” the Pharisee church pastor added. “You already heard what I’m asking of my Christian accountability group leaders, as well as those for whom I am the accountability partner. I hereby proclaim a new fundamental Rule of Christian Living for all Christians: all Christians must immediately stop sending and receiving postal mail, or risk being disowned by Jesus Christ on Final Judgement Day.”

“In the past, I have only instructed married Christians to open each other’s mail, and to submit their letters for inspection by their accountability partners, as a means of Christian accountability,” explained the Pharisee church pastor. “However, with the sin of homosexuality being so prevalent in this year 2010, more and tighter rules need to be followed in order to be saved from eternal burning in hell. Now, if you want to go to heaven, you need to immediately abstain from postal mail.”

“Remember, to have eternal life and get into heaven, grace is not enough,” stressed the Pharisee church pastor. “You also need to be held accountable by an accountability partner in Christian accountability, as well as strictly follow an expanding list of Rules of Christian Living proclaimed by me.”

Say, Pharisee church pastor, I saw you take a subscription copy of “Out” magazine from your mailbox the other day…

Christian accountability groups, Pharisee church pastor style

The concept of “Christian accountability” is a fundamental cornerstone of the Pharisee church pastor’s teaching.  He explains as follows:

“Every Christian must belong to a Christian accountability group, preferably one in my church, or else that Christian is no better than a pagan destined for hell.  Christians must be held accountable for their sins on a regular basis, and unless I successfully hold my disciples accountable for the sins they committed since the last Christian accountability group meeting, I would have failed as a pastor.

“What your blogs’ readers may not realize is that Christian accountability group meetings can be informal occasions.  While many of these meetings take place inside the church building, they can take place anywhere appropriate, such as in people’s homes, or even in restaurants that can seat a group in a quiet corner.  In my church, we keep the formal stuff in Sunday services.  Being informal, however, does not mean careless.  All Christians who attend my Christian accountability group meetings will experience God’s judgement and wrath against all the sins they have committed.  They will leave with the full understanding that God is always watching them, and I will hold them accountable.

“During a Christian accountability group meeting, each person, in turn, is to confess all the sins they have committed since the last meeting, using the Christian Accountability Questions checklist as a guide.  The group leader, usually me, will inform the person sternly of God’s judgement and wrath against each of those sins.  The person shall repent of those sins, and publicly commit to strive for his/her best efforts to never sin again.  God demands our best, and requires perfection from us.

“What I have noticed is that sin is such a constant in Christians’ lives, there is never a shortage of sins that need to be condemned for each person each time.  But I am constantly devising more and more rules of Christian living so my disciples will know what they must do and what they must not do.  To me, do’s and don’ts are what Christian living is all about.”

Here is the Pharisee church pastor’s Christian Accountability Questions checklist:

1.  How much time have you been spending in the Bible and how has God used His word to guide you in your quiet time this week?  Be specific:  name the time and place.

2.  How has your prayer life been this week?  Who and what have you been praying for?

3.  What have you done this week to spend quality, relational/fellowship time with other Christians who will hold you accountable?  What could you do?

4.  Do you have anyone you need to forgive?

5.  What intentional steps have you taken this week to guard yourself against lustful thoughts, actions, and/or inappropriate media and materials?  Remember that if you ever feel lust, you have committed adultery.

6.  How have you embellished upon, manipulated or shaded the truth this week to make yourself look better to those at work, school, home, church and with friends?  (Of course you have.  Do not lie)

7.  Are you aware of any un-confessed sins in your life, and have you answered these Christian Accountability Questions truthfully?

8.  Did you give your best at work, school, small group, church etc. this week, if so how, if not why?

9.  In what ways have you honoured the Lord (in obedience to His word) regarding your finances this week?

10.  Have you shared the good news of Jesus Christ this week, if so with whom and have you prayed for them?  If not, what is your excuse for not fulfilling this holy obligation?

11.  Have you been with someone or communicated with someone (email, facebook, twitter, texting, Blackberry message etc.) this week in such a way that was inappropriate or could have looked or been perceived to other that you were using poor judgement?  Have you ensured that your Christian accountability group leader has been receiving copies of your electronic communication at the time of sending, so you can be immediately held accountable for any un-Christian words or thoughts?

12.  Married’s – In what ways have you demonstrated love and respect to your spouse this week?  Singles – Have you refrained from entering into any relationship that may lead to romantic/intimate attachment, with anyone who is not a member of our church, or who is not regularly held accountable by a Christian accountability group?  Everyone – What have you done to ensure that you did not participate in the evil that is homosexuality?

13.  Women – Have you ensured that that way you dress will not result in any man who is not your husband to experience lust?  Remember, if any man who is not your husband feels lust when they look at you, you are an evil prostitute and adulterer.  You are accountable and responsible for making sure that men do not experience lust with you as the object.  Breastfeeding mothers – have you ensured that, while breastfeeding, your breast is not visible by any man who is not your husband?

Fortunately for members of his church, the Pharisee church pastor can only come up with these 13 questions for now.