Posts Tagged ‘Pharisee church pastor’

Pharisee church pastor condemns the prophet Elijah for “sinfully living with a woman who is not his wife”


In his latest tirade against “deteriorating morality in the world”, the Pharisee church pastor called the prophet Elijah in the Bible “a man of sin who violated the many and always-expanding rules of Christian accountability” for living with a widow while he stayed in Zarephath.

“An important rule of Christian accountability is that a man must never live with a woman who is not his wife,” the Pharisee church pastor explained. “If Elijah wanted to live with that widow, he should have married her first. Since he did not do so, he was living in sin.”

“It is therefore obvious why the widow’s son became so sick that he died,” continued the Pharisee church pastor. “As I have preached before, all diseases, from the common cold to cancer, are caused by sin in your life. The illness and death of the widow’s son is the result of either the child’s own sins, or the sins of his parents, or both. With his mother living in sin with the man Elijah who was not her husband, this child’s sickness and death is well deserved as a measure of Christian accountability.”

“If Elijah were indeed a prophet, as he is commonly known, he would know to never associate with sinners, such as a woman living with a man who is not her husband, in order to keep himself pure and holy in accordance with the rules of Christian accountability,” explained the Pharisee church pastor, “because Christians are not allowed to associate with sinners. I have no doubt that the man of sin Elijah has been burning in hell since his death.”

But, Pharisee church pastor, Elijah was apparently told to live with the widow in Zarephath, would that not be an acceptable excuse?

The one who told Elijah to live with a woman who is not his wife is clearly even more sinful than Elijah,” thundered the Pharisee church pastor in response, “and whoever this is needs to immediately join in one of my Christian accountability groups, so I can hold him accountable as his accountability partner.”

Pharisee church pastor, as someone who says that you will hold God accountable, I suppose that if God is to come into the world, you would crucify Him to death on a cross.

Pharisee church pastor condemns postal (snail) mail for “promoting homosexual affairs”, calls for boycott by Christians


In today’s sermon, the Pharisee church pastor informed his congregation that he has instructed all church staff and Christian accountability group leaders to discontinue receiving and sending postal (snail) mail, because postal letters can be used to “facilitate and promote homosexual affairs”. He called on all Christians to immediately join in the boycott as well:

“I’ve been in extended counselling with couples with marital problems because of letters sent through the mail for the last year and a half,” said the Pharisee church pastor. “What happens is someone from yesterday surfaces, it leads to conversations and there have been physical meet-ups. The temptation is just too great.”

“The instruction will go to the entire church,” the Pharisee church pastor added. “You already heard what I’m asking of my Christian accountability group leaders, as well as those for whom I am the accountability partner. I hereby proclaim a new fundamental Rule of Christian Living for all Christians: all Christians must immediately stop sending and receiving postal mail, or risk being disowned by Jesus Christ on Final Judgement Day.”

“In the past, I have only instructed married Christians to open each other’s mail, and to submit their letters for inspection by their accountability partners, as a means of Christian accountability,” explained the Pharisee church pastor. “However, with the sin of homosexuality being so prevalent in this year 2010, more and tighter rules need to be followed in order to be saved from eternal burning in hell. Now, if you want to go to heaven, you need to immediately abstain from postal mail.”

“Remember, to have eternal life and get into heaven, grace is not enough,” stressed the Pharisee church pastor. “You also need to be held accountable by an accountability partner in Christian accountability, as well as strictly follow an expanding list of Rules of Christian Living proclaimed by me.”

Say, Pharisee church pastor, I saw you take a subscription copy of “Out” magazine from your mailbox the other day…

Pharisee church pastor calls bed bugs “God’s wingless angels to punish those who embrace homosexuality”


In his latest sermon, the Pharisee church pastor proclaimed that bed bugs are “God’s wingless angels to punish those who embrace homosexuality”.

“God’s anger is poured out over the sinful cities that have embraced the evil of homosexuality,” said the Pharisee church pastor. “As examples, when one reviews the top 10 cities with the worst bed bug infestations, one can clearly see that they are those cities that have allowed homosexual sin to flourish.”

Details of the correlation between bed bugs and homosexuality, as described by the Pharisee church pastor on various occasions, are as follows:

10. Denver, Colorado

“Denver is being punished because they instituted something called the Colorado Gay Rodeo,” said the Pharisee church pastor. “A rodeo is where true masculine men celebrate their maleness, but homosexuals have desecrated this activity by associating it with sodomy. It is for this evil that bed bugs were sent to destroy Denver.”

9. Chicago, Illinois

“Judgement is on Chicago through bed bugs, as they established the first officially recognized homosexual neighbourhood in the United States,” explained the Pharisee church pastor. “In addition, they host a disgusting homosexual parade every year. Even worse, there is a homosexual part of the city called Boystown, a most revolting name that betrays the secret agenda of homosexuals to corrupt pure and innocent boys into a life of homosexual debauchery.

“Fortunately, there are true men like myself who are dedicated and devoted to engaging boys intimately since when they are young, so they can be guided to the path of holy manhood and grow up filled with masculinity from, I mean like, myself.”

Pharisee church pastor, that last bit was…interesting.

8. Vancouver, British Columbia

“The greatest sin committed by Vancouver is the embracing of homosexuality,” declared the Pharisee church pastor. “During the winter when manly men, like me, are sharing physical body warmth to keep out the cold, Vancouver organizes a winter homosexual celebration and thus tainting masculine warmth-sharing with the overtures of sodomy.

“That is why bed bugs have been sent to punish Vancouver.”

The Pharisee church pastor then looked at me. “You know Andrew, I really enjoy sharing body warmth with masculine men during the wintertime,” he said, while wiping away some drool.

7. Durham, North Carolina

“Bed bugs were sent to Durham to punish them for their homosexual parade,” said the Pharisee church pastor.

That’s a pretty short explanation compared to the other cities so far, I replied.

“Well, that’s reason enough!” was the Pharisee church pastor’s reply.

6. San Francisco, California

“San Francisco calls itself the homosexual capital of the world,” proclaimed the Pharisee church pastor. “Not only are they indulging in their sin, they are actually filled with pride for being sinful.

“With an annual homosexual parade for the past 40 years, and being the self-appointed capital of homosexuality, it is fitting that large numbers of bed bugs have been dispatched to punish this modern-day Sodom. Bite away, wingless angels!”

5. Manchester, New Hampshire

“New Hampshire has abandoned its Christian heritage and instead embraced the evil of homosexuality,” roared the Pharisee church pastor. “They actually allow homosexuals to marry each other, in defiance of God’s design for marriage. For this, they already deserve a huge contingent of bed bugs.

“But even more, New Hampshire is also where that apostate sinner V. Gene Robinson, heretic homosexual Bishop of the satanic Episcopal Church, bases his diabolical operations. I am pleased, however, that the angelic bed bugs have succeeded in forcing Robinson into early retirement. I ask God to send even more bed bugs to Manchester, until New Hampshire’s sin of embracing homosexuality is sucked out of it.”

4. Bloomington, Indiana

“Bloomington is particularly sinful in its embrace of homosexuality, even declaring that it is homosexual everyday in Bloomington in its slogan,” declared the Pharisee church pastor. “Even worse, it is the home of the first student-sponsored homosexual competition held on any college campus.

“By flaunting their well-formed bodies to the public, each year the contestants engage in immoral seduction of me, I mean, ordinary wholesome men to the sinful trap of homosexuality. That is why Bloomington has a bed bug epidemic.”

Pharisee church pastor, since you somehow are always in Bloomington each year at the time of Miss Gay IU, you are obviously an expert in this event.

3. Toronto, Ontario

“Bed bugs have been sent by God to punish Toronto because it and the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey club have embraced homosexuality,” said the Pharisee church pastor. “As I have preached before, the Toronto Maple Leafs will not win the Stanley Cup because God is punishing them for embracing homosexuality. Since the entire city in now in sin, bed bugs have been sent as the next punishment.

“Until Toronto repents and everyone is held accountable through accountability partners in Christian accountability, more punishment from heaven will follow.”

2. New York City, New York

“The sin of New York, for which they are being punished by bed bugs, is their acceptance of homosexuality,” declared the Pharisee church pastor.

But, Pharisee church pastor, if we are discussing what could be the sins of New York, should we not be talking about greed and avarice?

I don’t know anything about that. All I know is that homosexuality is the sin of all sins, and bed bugs have been sent to punish those who embrace it,” replied the Pharisee church pastor.

1. Columbus, Ohio

“Some have called Columbus one of the United States’ more underrated homosexual cities,” thundered the Pharisee church pastor. “But the sin of homosexuality cannot be hidden from the judgement of God, and Columbus cannot escape the punishment by bed bugs.

“Columbus has allowed itself to contaminate wholesome sports by hosting homosexual bowling and softball tournaments. What can be more sinful than the display of toned bodies, touched by homosexuality, in motion? Mmmm…I mean what an abomination!”

Thanks for your detailed explanations about bed bugs, Pharisee church pastor. Say, you have been scratching yourself quite a bit lately…

Pharisee church pastor declares “holy victory” over the elimination of eco fees in Ontario


Upon hearing the news that the Ontario government is scrapping point-of-sale eco fees, the Pharisee church pastor made the following proclamation:

“Today is a great day for all Christian saints and angels of God.  After many prayer sessions by me and my Christian accountability groups, the army of angels from God has struck a devastating wound against the Antichrist Dalton McGuinty, Premier of Ontario, using the flames of holy judgement.  The Antichrist has no choice but to eliminate the satanic eco tax.

“I rejoice that God has answered my prayers for Dalton McGuinty’s spiritual defeat.  However, the removal of the eco tax alone is not enough for Dalton McGunity to escape the holy wrath of an angry God.  The Premier needs to immediately resign his position as the Devil’s representative, join my church, and attend one of my Christian accountability groups.  It is only by being spiritually accountable to me that he can obtain salvation.”

Pharisee church pastor condemns Katy Perry for “inciting lust in the hearts of children”


The Pharisee church pastor was upset today after watching some children’s programming.

“That harlot Katy Perry is now inciting lust in the hearts of children,” he proclaimed.  “By displaying her lust-inducing breast cleavage, she is sexualizing our children, just like Dalton McGuinty, Ontario’s antichrist Premier.

“I have previously preached extensively on the lust-inducing and seductive power of female breasts.  That is why, in my Christian accountability questions, women are asked if they have ensured that that way they dress did not result in men who are not their husbands to experience lust.  Remember, if any man who is not a woman’s husband feels lust when he looks at her, she is an evil prostitute and adulterer.  A woman is accountable and responsible for making sure that men do not experience lust with her as the object.”

The offending video is here:

The Pharisee church pastor added, “If Katy Perry were my daughter, as a pastor, I would condemn her to hell and publicly announce that this sinner is no longer my daughter.  This is the same course of action I described when I talked about if I had a son who is homosexual.   Strict adherence to the many rules of Christian living overrides all other considerations, like love.

“Speaking of that unpardonable sin of homosexuality, Katy Perry is well known for her promotion of lesbianism, in addition to her wanton seduction of men.  By displaying her breasts, therefore, she is inducing immoral lust in the hearts of both boys and girls, in a conspiracy with Ontario’s antichrist Premier Dalton McGuinty.

“Katy Perry’s harlotry can be directly traced back to her consumption of deviled eggs earlier in life.  It is obvious that eating the Devil’s eggs leads to the Devil growing inside you.  Now that the Devil in Miss Perry has matured, she seeks to incite lust in every heart, whether that be of a man, woman, boy or girl.

“Katy Perry needs to be held accountable by an accountability partner, preferably myself, in Christian accountability.

“Remember this: Katy Perry’s breasts represent one of the most corrupting influences on children nowadays.”

Pharisee church pastor, I don’t think even Katy Perry’s Christian parents agree with you.  Keith and Mary Hudson commented, “The love of God saved all of us with a hand of mercy, not a finger of judgment.”

Besides, today’s toddlers would most likely recognize Katy Perry’s breasts as meal containers.  As for who is filled with lust, Pharisee church pastor, perhaps you might want to look in a mirror?