Pharisee church pastor condemns postal (snail) mail for “promoting homosexual affairs”, calls for boycott by Christians

In today’s sermon, the Pharisee church pastor informed his congregation that he has instructed all church staff and Christian accountability group leaders to discontinue receiving and sending postal (snail) mail, because postal letters can be used to “facilitate and promote homosexual affairs”. He called on all Christians to immediately join in the boycott as well:

“I’ve been in extended counselling with couples with marital problems because of letters sent through the mail for the last year and a half,” said the Pharisee church pastor. “What happens is someone from yesterday surfaces, it leads to conversations and there have been physical meet-ups. The temptation is just too great.”

“The instruction will go to the entire church,” the Pharisee church pastor added. “You already heard what I’m asking of my Christian accountability group leaders, as well as those for whom I am the accountability partner. I hereby proclaim a new fundamental Rule of Christian Living for all Christians: all Christians must immediately stop sending and receiving postal mail, or risk being disowned by Jesus Christ on Final Judgement Day.”

“In the past, I have only instructed married Christians to open each other’s mail, and to submit their letters for inspection by their accountability partners, as a means of Christian accountability,” explained the Pharisee church pastor. “However, with the sin of homosexuality being so prevalent in this year 2010, more and tighter rules need to be followed in order to be saved from eternal burning in hell. Now, if you want to go to heaven, you need to immediately abstain from postal mail.”

“Remember, to have eternal life and get into heaven, grace is not enough,” stressed the Pharisee church pastor. “You also need to be held accountable by an accountability partner in Christian accountability, as well as strictly follow an expanding list of Rules of Christian Living proclaimed by me.”

Say, Pharisee church pastor, I saw you take a subscription copy of “Out” magazine from your mailbox the other day…

Christian accountability / accountability partners in action (video)

In this video, we see Charlie being “held accountable” by his “accountability partner” in “Christian accountability”:

A (non) conversation with the Pharisee church pastor

I was visiting the Pharisee church pastor (“PCP”) in his office the other day when the following exchange took place.  He was working on some sermon, while I was reading the newspaper:

Me – Check out this profile of a senior executive in the global investment banking firm “Sack Them Goats”.  He has been accused by the regulators of knowingly selling crappy financial products to his clients, while making bets that pay him lots of money when those products fail.

PCP – Uh huh. (Eyes remained focused on his work)

Me – One of the state attorneys general has also accused this executive of knowingly setting up and promoting unfair mortgage schemes, which resulted in thousands of families losing their homes during the financial crisis.

PCP – Um, ah huh. (Corrects some typo in his draft sermon)

Me – According to an investigative documentary, this Sack Them Goats executive was also instrumental in artificially suppressing the price of gold for many years, which contributed to the impoverishment of many African nations, making millions of children malnourished or even dead due to hunger.

PCP – Hmm. (Looks up something from a thick reference book)

Me – Last year, this executive collected over $100 million in cash bonuses alone, stock options extra.

PCP – Sure. (Gently taps his pen while pondering his draft)

Me – On the personal level, however, this Sack Them Goats executive is a dedicated family man.  He has been married to his same sex partner for over 10 years, and they have adopted two children from overseas orphanages.

PCP – What?!  An evil homosexual?!  (Screaming)  He is going to burn in hell for eternity!!!  Homosexuals like him are what’s wrong with society today!!!  (Followed by a tirade about “the demonic gay agenda”, “corrupting children”, “destroying marriage”, etc.)

It appears that, to some people, the speck of homosexuality is more significant than the log/plank of rapacious greed.

The Church Pastor and the Crack-Addicted Prostitute

Two people were praying, one a church pastor and the other a crack-addicted prostitute.

The church pastor prayed, “God, I thank you that I am not like other people – alcoholics, pornography viewers, participants in pre- and extra-marital sex, gamblers, liars, and sinners.

I am an expert in the many rules of Christian living, and I know all the Do’s and Don’ts for Christians. I am active in discipling those in my church to ensure that they are growing more and more like me in their Christian walk. As the ‘accountability partner’ of many in my church, I ensure that my people are held accountable for all their sins and un-Christian thoughts. While I definitely do not partake in that evil computer service called Facebook, I make sure that members of my church keep me informed of what sinful words are being written and posted by other members of my church, so I can keep them accountable for all their Facebook actions. I keep myself holy and demand that my disciples are holy like me as well.

I prevent myself from being contaminated by the evil world by ensuring that I only associate with non-Christians when I am preaching to them about their sins, and telling them they need to join my church. I avoid the sinful television, radio, and print media of the world, and I definitely do not get involved in that devil’s den of lustful pornography called the Internet. I never buy lottery tickets, and I prohibit members of my church from participating in this debauchery as well.

I have never been to, and I will never go to Las Vegas or Macau. Christians are not allowed to go to Las Vegas or Macau. Everyone in Las Vegas and Macau will all be consumed by the fire of hell. I will rejoice on the day when these cities of sin, and all the sinners within, are destroyed in righteous and holy judgment.

I am especially proud of the work I do as mentor of the young boys at my church. I meet with these boys regularly as a group or one-on-one, raising them to be like me when they grow up. As a fatherly figure, I enjoy knowing these boys. It gives me great satisfaction to make them holy like I am.”

At the same time in Las Vegas, a crack-addicted prostitute stood in a dark street corner. Keeping her eyes on the ground, she whispered, “God, be merciful to me, a sinner!”

I am telling you the truth, the crack-addicted prostitute was right with God, and not the church pastor.

Jesus said, “everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

(Adapted from Luke 18:9-14)

“Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.” (1 Corinthians 10:12)