Archive for December, 2010

Pharisee church pastor condemns postal (snail) mail for “promoting homosexual affairs”, calls for boycott by Christians

2010/12/05

In today’s sermon, the Pharisee church pastor informed his congregation that he has instructed all church staff and Christian accountability group leaders to discontinue receiving and sending postal (snail) mail, because postal letters can be used to “facilitate and promote homosexual affairs”. He called on all Christians to immediately join in the boycott as well:

“I’ve been in extended counselling with couples with marital problems because of letters sent through the mail for the last year and a half,” said the Pharisee church pastor. “What happens is someone from yesterday surfaces, it leads to conversations and there have been physical meet-ups. The temptation is just too great.”

“The instruction will go to the entire church,” the Pharisee church pastor added. “You already heard what I’m asking of my Christian accountability group leaders, as well as those for whom I am the accountability partner. I hereby proclaim a new fundamental Rule of Christian Living for all Christians: all Christians must immediately stop sending and receiving postal mail, or risk being disowned by Jesus Christ on Final Judgement Day.”

“In the past, I have only instructed married Christians to open each other’s mail, and to submit their letters for inspection by their accountability partners, as a means of Christian accountability,” explained the Pharisee church pastor. “However, with the sin of homosexuality being so prevalent in this year 2010, more and tighter rules need to be followed in order to be saved from eternal burning in hell. Now, if you want to go to heaven, you need to immediately abstain from postal mail.”

“Remember, to have eternal life and get into heaven, grace is not enough,” stressed the Pharisee church pastor. “You also need to be held accountable by an accountability partner in Christian accountability, as well as strictly follow an expanding list of Rules of Christian Living proclaimed by me.”

Say, Pharisee church pastor, I saw you take a subscription copy of “Out” magazine from your mailbox the other day…

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