Archive for August, 2010

Christian accountability groups, Pharisee church pastor style

2010/08/15

The concept of “Christian accountability” is a fundamental cornerstone of the Pharisee church pastor’s teaching.  He explains as follows:

“Every Christian must belong to a Christian accountability group, preferably one in my church, or else that Christian is no better than a pagan destined for hell.  Christians must be held accountable for their sins on a regular basis, and unless I successfully hold my disciples accountable for the sins they committed since the last Christian accountability group meeting, I would have failed as a pastor.

“What your blogs’ readers may not realize is that Christian accountability group meetings can be informal occasions.  While many of these meetings take place inside the church building, they can take place anywhere appropriate, such as in people’s homes, or even in restaurants that can seat a group in a quiet corner.  In my church, we keep the formal stuff in Sunday services.  Being informal, however, does not mean careless.  All Christians who attend my Christian accountability group meetings will experience God’s judgement and wrath against all the sins they have committed.  They will leave with the full understanding that God is always watching them, and I will hold them accountable.

“During a Christian accountability group meeting, each person, in turn, is to confess all the sins they have committed since the last meeting, using the Christian Accountability Questions checklist as a guide.  The group leader, usually me, will inform the person sternly of God’s judgement and wrath against each of those sins.  The person shall repent of those sins, and publicly commit to strive for his/her best efforts to never sin againGod demands our best, and requires perfection from us.

“What I have noticed is that sin is such a constant in Christians’ lives, there is never a shortage of sins that need to be condemned for each person each time.  But I am constantly devising more and more rules of Christian living so my disciples will know what they must do and what they must not do.  To me, do’s and don’ts are what Christian living is all about.”

Here is the Pharisee church pastor’s Christian Accountability Questions checklist:

1.  How much time have you been spending in the Bible and how has God used His word to guide you in your quiet time this week?  Be specific:  name the time and place.

2.  How has your prayer life been this week?  Who and what have you been praying for?

3.  What have you done this week to spend quality, relational/fellowship time with other Christians who will hold you accountable?  What could you do?

4.  Do you have anyone you need to forgive?

5.  What intentional steps have you taken this week to guard yourself against lustful thoughts, actions, and/or inappropriate media and materials?  Remember that if you ever feel lust, you have committed adultery.

6.  How have you embellished upon, manipulated or shaded the truth this week to make yourself look better to those at work, school, home, church and with friends?  (Of course you have.  Do not lie)

7.  Are you aware of any un-confessed sins in your life, and have you answered these Christian Accountability Questions truthfully?

8.  Did you give your best at work, school, small group, church etc. this week, if so how, if not why?

9.  In what ways have you honoured the Lord (in obedience to His word) regarding your finances this week?

10.  Have you shared the good news of Jesus Christ this week, if so with whom and have you prayed for them?  If not, what is your excuse for not fulfilling this holy obligation?

11.  Have you been with someone or communicated with someone (email, facebook, twitter, texting, Blackberry message etc.) this week in such a way that was inappropriate or could have looked or been perceived to other that you were using poor judgement?  Have you ensured that your Christian accountability group leader has been receiving copies of your electronic communication at the time of sending, so you can be immediately held accountable for any un-Christian words or thoughts?

12.  Married’s – In what ways have you demonstrated love and respect to your spouse this week?  Singles – Have you refrained from entering into any relationship that may lead to romantic/intimate attachment, with anyone who is not a member of our church, or who is not regularly held accountable by a Christian accountability group?  Everyone – What have you done to ensure that you did not participate in the evil that is homosexuality?

13.  Women – Have you ensured that that way you dress will not result in any man who is not your husband to experience lust?  Remember, if any man who is not your husband feels lust when they look at you, you are an evil prostitute and adulterer.  You are accountable and responsible for making sure that men do not experience lust with you as the object.  Breastfeeding mothers – have you ensured that, while breastfeeding, your breast is not visible by any man who is not your husband?

Fortunately for members of his church, the Pharisee church pastor can only come up with these 13 questions for now.

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Pharisee church pastor demands the authority to inspect Blackberry messages “for Christian accountability”

2010/08/08

Being always on the lookout for what he calls “instruments of moral decay”, the Pharisee church pastor boldly announced today his latest attempt to intrude into other people’s lives. The latest target? Research In Motion (RIM)’s Blackberry smartphones.

“Secret communication through technology continues to be one of Satan’s favourite methods in destroying moral values,” thundered the Pharisee church pastor behind his pulpit.  “Blackberry messages, being encrypted in the strongest manner publicly available, are clearly being used by the evil homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes to devise devilish plots with the aim of destroying the family and other Christian moral values.  This must stop.

“To prevent the Blackberry from continuing to be a means for the devil’s followers to communicate with each other, I hereby demand in the name of divine judgement that RIM place its messaging servers in my church, route all Blackberry messages through those servers, and provide me with the means to inspect any and all of those messages.  If I find any messages that I deem to be contrary to my Christian values, I will delete them immediately and bring the sender into Christian accountability through holy condemnation.

“RIM executives need to do this before God sends forth an army of angels as judgement for their lack of Christian accountability.  To avoid burning in hell for eternity, RIM executives need to become my disciples and join my church.  Indeed, I will be happy to start up and lead a special Christian accountability group to hold RIM executives accountable spiritually.  If making weekly trips to the Kitchener-Waterloo area, with its sinful display of alcoholic debauchery every October, is what it takes to ensure RIM executives are rightly condemned for their sins, I shall be happy to make it happen.

“While we are waiting for RIM executives to repent from their sins, effective immediately, all those belonging to my Christian accountability groups shall ensure that all Blackberry messages sent by them be copied to their Christian accountability group leader immediately, so any un-Christian words or thoughts can be immediately condemned and the person held accountable without delay.”

Wow, a special “Christian accountability group” just for them. RIM executives must be thrilled. Probably not!

Pharisee church pastor calls for immediate halt to AIDS vaccine research

2010/08/04

The Pharisee church pastor was exceptionally agitated when he saw me today. He proclaimed:

“Moral values are under threat today like never before. The devil is planning to unleash an unprecedented wave of promiscuity and licentiousness onto the world very soon.”

Explain, Pharisee church pastor?

“The science people had just made a major discovery that can lead to the development of a vaccine against AIDS. Right now, the universal fear of AIDS is a fundamental tool in ensuring people remain chaste and abstain from pre- and extra-marital sex. Indeed, in my Christian accountability groups for teenage boys as well as those for teenage girls, I stress the message that if they engage in sex before or outside marriage that is sanctioned by my church, they will catch AIDS, die a horrible death, and burn in hell for eternity.

If the science people were to be successful in discovering an effective vaccine against AIDS, thus making the disease preventable other than by abstinence, people will be free to indulge in their deepest animal desires for lust. Incidences of the Three Worst Sins – Homosexuality, Adultery, and Prostitution – will skyrocket.

Indeed, AIDS was created by God to punish homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes. That’s why people get the disease from these sins. All efforts to eliminate this instrument of God’s judgement represent a conspiracy between the devil, homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes.”

But, Pharisee church pastor, what about the 280,000 children who died of AIDS in 2008? And how about the over 14 million AIDS orphans in Africa?

“That is preventive judgement. Some of these children would have grown up to become homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes, while others are now divinely warned not to engage in these sins.

But this is not the first time the devil is corrupting moral values through a vaccine. The evil one has already created the HPV vaccine in order to lead teenage girls to sexual promiscuity. I and all my Christian accountability groups will be praying for the defeat of all evil schemes to promote lust through vaccination.”

Pharisee church pastor, if a deadly virus is your friend, what kind of horrible creature does that make you?

The true Christian message

2010/08/01

For an overview of the true Christian message as taught in the Bible, as opposed to the distorted version preached by the Pharisee church pastor, check out the excellent sermon series “How To Go Deeper Into The Gospel” by Pastor Steve Irvin of Bayview Glen Church:

How To Go Deeper Into The Gospel – Part 1

How To Go Deeper Into The Gospel – Part 2

How To Go Deeper Into The Gospel – Part 3

In one’s Christian life, instead of going BEYOND the gospel, go DEEPER INTO the gospel.

To Christians who are trapped in “Christian accountability groups”, “rules of Christian living”, and other legalistic human teachings, the apostle Paul has this message:

 “This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith?  Are you so foolish?  Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?  Have you suffered so many things in vain—if indeed it was in vain?”  (Galatians 3:2-4)

 “If you died with Christ from the basic principles of the world, why, as though living in the world, do you subject yourselves to regulations — ‘Do not touch, do not taste, do not handle,’ which all concern things which perish with the using — according to the commandments and doctrines of men?  These things indeed have an appearance of wisdom in self-imposed religion, false humility, and neglect of the body, but are of no value against the indulgence of the flesh.”  (Colossians 2:20-23)