Posts Tagged ‘health’

Pharisee church pastor condemns the prophet Elijah for “sinfully living with a woman who is not his wife”


In his latest tirade against “deteriorating morality in the world”, the Pharisee church pastor called the prophet Elijah in the Bible “a man of sin who violated the many and always-expanding rules of Christian accountability” for living with a widow while he stayed in Zarephath.

“An important rule of Christian accountability is that a man must never live with a woman who is not his wife,” the Pharisee church pastor explained. “If Elijah wanted to live with that widow, he should have married her first. Since he did not do so, he was living in sin.”

“It is therefore obvious why the widow’s son became so sick that he died,” continued the Pharisee church pastor. “As I have preached before, all diseases, from the common cold to cancer, are caused by sin in your life. The illness and death of the widow’s son is the result of either the child’s own sins, or the sins of his parents, or both. With his mother living in sin with the man Elijah who was not her husband, this child’s sickness and death is well deserved as a measure of Christian accountability.”

“If Elijah were indeed a prophet, as he is commonly known, he would know to never associate with sinners, such as a woman living with a man who is not her husband, in order to keep himself pure and holy in accordance with the rules of Christian accountability,” explained the Pharisee church pastor, “because Christians are not allowed to associate with sinners. I have no doubt that the man of sin Elijah has been burning in hell since his death.”

But, Pharisee church pastor, Elijah was apparently told to live with the widow in Zarephath, would that not be an acceptable excuse?

The one who told Elijah to live with a woman who is not his wife is clearly even more sinful than Elijah,” thundered the Pharisee church pastor in response, “and whoever this is needs to immediately join in one of my Christian accountability groups, so I can hold him accountable as his accountability partner.”

Pharisee church pastor, as someone who says that you will hold God accountable, I suppose that if God is to come into the world, you would crucify Him to death on a cross.

Pharisee church pastor calls bed bugs “God’s wingless angels to punish those who embrace homosexuality”


In his latest sermon, the Pharisee church pastor proclaimed that bed bugs are “God’s wingless angels to punish those who embrace homosexuality”.

“God’s anger is poured out over the sinful cities that have embraced the evil of homosexuality,” said the Pharisee church pastor. “As examples, when one reviews the top 10 cities with the worst bed bug infestations, one can clearly see that they are those cities that have allowed homosexual sin to flourish.”

Details of the correlation between bed bugs and homosexuality, as described by the Pharisee church pastor on various occasions, are as follows:

10. Denver, Colorado

“Denver is being punished because they instituted something called the Colorado Gay Rodeo,” said the Pharisee church pastor. “A rodeo is where true masculine men celebrate their maleness, but homosexuals have desecrated this activity by associating it with sodomy. It is for this evil that bed bugs were sent to destroy Denver.”

9. Chicago, Illinois

“Judgement is on Chicago through bed bugs, as they established the first officially recognized homosexual neighbourhood in the United States,” explained the Pharisee church pastor. “In addition, they host a disgusting homosexual parade every year. Even worse, there is a homosexual part of the city called Boystown, a most revolting name that betrays the secret agenda of homosexuals to corrupt pure and innocent boys into a life of homosexual debauchery.

“Fortunately, there are true men like myself who are dedicated and devoted to engaging boys intimately since when they are young, so they can be guided to the path of holy manhood and grow up filled with masculinity from, I mean like, myself.”

Pharisee church pastor, that last bit was…interesting.

8. Vancouver, British Columbia

“The greatest sin committed by Vancouver is the embracing of homosexuality,” declared the Pharisee church pastor. “During the winter when manly men, like me, are sharing physical body warmth to keep out the cold, Vancouver organizes a winter homosexual celebration and thus tainting masculine warmth-sharing with the overtures of sodomy.

“That is why bed bugs have been sent to punish Vancouver.”

The Pharisee church pastor then looked at me. “You know Andrew, I really enjoy sharing body warmth with masculine men during the wintertime,” he said, while wiping away some drool.

7. Durham, North Carolina

“Bed bugs were sent to Durham to punish them for their homosexual parade,” said the Pharisee church pastor.

That’s a pretty short explanation compared to the other cities so far, I replied.

“Well, that’s reason enough!” was the Pharisee church pastor’s reply.

6. San Francisco, California

“San Francisco calls itself the homosexual capital of the world,” proclaimed the Pharisee church pastor. “Not only are they indulging in their sin, they are actually filled with pride for being sinful.

“With an annual homosexual parade for the past 40 years, and being the self-appointed capital of homosexuality, it is fitting that large numbers of bed bugs have been dispatched to punish this modern-day Sodom. Bite away, wingless angels!”

5. Manchester, New Hampshire

“New Hampshire has abandoned its Christian heritage and instead embraced the evil of homosexuality,” roared the Pharisee church pastor. “They actually allow homosexuals to marry each other, in defiance of God’s design for marriage. For this, they already deserve a huge contingent of bed bugs.

“But even more, New Hampshire is also where that apostate sinner V. Gene Robinson, heretic homosexual Bishop of the satanic Episcopal Church, bases his diabolical operations. I am pleased, however, that the angelic bed bugs have succeeded in forcing Robinson into early retirement. I ask God to send even more bed bugs to Manchester, until New Hampshire’s sin of embracing homosexuality is sucked out of it.”

4. Bloomington, Indiana

“Bloomington is particularly sinful in its embrace of homosexuality, even declaring that it is homosexual everyday in Bloomington in its slogan,” declared the Pharisee church pastor. “Even worse, it is the home of the first student-sponsored homosexual competition held on any college campus.

“By flaunting their well-formed bodies to the public, each year the contestants engage in immoral seduction of me, I mean, ordinary wholesome men to the sinful trap of homosexuality. That is why Bloomington has a bed bug epidemic.”

Pharisee church pastor, since you somehow are always in Bloomington each year at the time of Miss Gay IU, you are obviously an expert in this event.

3. Toronto, Ontario

“Bed bugs have been sent by God to punish Toronto because it and the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey club have embraced homosexuality,” said the Pharisee church pastor. “As I have preached before, the Toronto Maple Leafs will not win the Stanley Cup because God is punishing them for embracing homosexuality. Since the entire city in now in sin, bed bugs have been sent as the next punishment.

“Until Toronto repents and everyone is held accountable through accountability partners in Christian accountability, more punishment from heaven will follow.”

2. New York City, New York

“The sin of New York, for which they are being punished by bed bugs, is their acceptance of homosexuality,” declared the Pharisee church pastor.

But, Pharisee church pastor, if we are discussing what could be the sins of New York, should we not be talking about greed and avarice?

I don’t know anything about that. All I know is that homosexuality is the sin of all sins, and bed bugs have been sent to punish those who embrace it,” replied the Pharisee church pastor.

1. Columbus, Ohio

“Some have called Columbus one of the United States’ more underrated homosexual cities,” thundered the Pharisee church pastor. “But the sin of homosexuality cannot be hidden from the judgement of God, and Columbus cannot escape the punishment by bed bugs.

“Columbus has allowed itself to contaminate wholesome sports by hosting homosexual bowling and softball tournaments. What can be more sinful than the display of toned bodies, touched by homosexuality, in motion? Mmmm…I mean what an abomination!”

Thanks for your detailed explanations about bed bugs, Pharisee church pastor. Say, you have been scratching yourself quite a bit lately…

“All diseases, from the common cold to cancer, are caused by sin in your life” declares the Pharisee church pastor


It being the middle of ragweed allergy season, I let out a few sneezes during my last visit to the Pharisee church pastor’s office.

“Andrew,” said the Pharisee church pastor, “you need to confess your sins and be held accountable in one of my Christian accountability groups.  You clearly have sin in your life.”

Say what?

“You are obviously unwell.  This means you have sinned.  All diseases, from the common cold to cancer, are caused by sin in your life.  Disease is one of many ways that God uses to punish people for their sins.  Because of that, if I see that someone is sick, I know automatically that it is because of sin in that person’s life.

“For example, let us suppose someone is born blind.  I know right away that someone must have sinned to cause this blindness; the only unknown is whether it is the blind person who is the sinner in need of Christian accountability, or whether it is that person’s parents who sinned and need to be held accountable.”

Pharisee church pastor, I can see how the parents could have sinned.  But how is it possible that a newborn infant could have committed sins by birth?

“Andrew,” replied the Pharisee church pastor, “you need to pay better attention to my teachings!  Recall my teaching on the evils of the AIDS vaccine.  Children, even those who have just been born, can be punished through diseases, as preventive judgement.  These children would have grown up to become homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes, and for that reason they are punished by diseases such as AIDS.

“It is also possible that someone could have committed sins while being a fetus.  While the specific sins committed by a fetus is not known, what I know is that all living persons, born or unborn, are sinners who need to be held accountable by accountability partners or Christian accountability groups.

“Another clear example of someone being punished, through disease because of sin, is Stephen Hawking.  This sinful man is best known for his atheism, followed by his amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (Lou Gehrig’s disease).  The connection between the two is that his atheism is the reason for his disease.

“What Stephen Hawking needs to do is to repent from his atheism and numerous other sins, and be held accountable in Christian accountability.  I understand that Hawking will be making frequent visits to the Waterloo area.  He should count it a blessing that I happen to be running a Christian accountability group for executives of Research In Motion (RIM), makers of the Blackberry smartphone.  I invite Hawking to join my group, so I can hold him accountable for his sins.  By having me as an accountability partner, and repenting from his sins, Hawking may perhaps accomplish something with his life, and maybe make a contribution to society.

“The most important thing to remember is this: all disease is caused by sin in that person’s life.  If someone is sick, it is because of sin, and that person is being punished for it.  The sick person needs to be held accountable for their sins by an accountability partner, in a Christian accountability group.”

Say, Pharisee church pastor, I heard you having a coughing fit the other day…

Pharisee church pastor calls for immediate halt to AIDS vaccine research


The Pharisee church pastor was exceptionally agitated when he saw me today. He proclaimed:

“Moral values are under threat today like never before. The devil is planning to unleash an unprecedented wave of promiscuity and licentiousness onto the world very soon.”

Explain, Pharisee church pastor?

“The science people had just made a major discovery that can lead to the development of a vaccine against AIDS. Right now, the universal fear of AIDS is a fundamental tool in ensuring people remain chaste and abstain from pre- and extra-marital sex. Indeed, in my Christian accountability groups for teenage boys as well as those for teenage girls, I stress the message that if they engage in sex before or outside marriage that is sanctioned by my church, they will catch AIDS, die a horrible death, and burn in hell for eternity.

If the science people were to be successful in discovering an effective vaccine against AIDS, thus making the disease preventable other than by abstinence, people will be free to indulge in their deepest animal desires for lust. Incidences of the Three Worst Sins – Homosexuality, Adultery, and Prostitution – will skyrocket.

Indeed, AIDS was created by God to punish homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes. That’s why people get the disease from these sins. All efforts to eliminate this instrument of God’s judgement represent a conspiracy between the devil, homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes.”

But, Pharisee church pastor, what about the 280,000 children who died of AIDS in 2008? And how about the over 14 million AIDS orphans in Africa?

“That is preventive judgement. Some of these children would have grown up to become homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes, while others are now divinely warned not to engage in these sins.

But this is not the first time the devil is corrupting moral values through a vaccine. The evil one has already created the HPV vaccine in order to lead teenage girls to sexual promiscuity. I and all my Christian accountability groups will be praying for the defeat of all evil schemes to promote lust through vaccination.”

Pharisee church pastor, if a deadly virus is your friend, what kind of horrible creature does that make you?

Fitness to Work Evaluation processing times


A report by Health Canada indicates that for Fitness to Work Evaluation (FTWE) requests made by Transport Canada, the yearly-average processing times by Health Canada’s Workplace Health and Public Safety Programme (WHPSP), Ontario Region, ranged from 42.0 days (approximately 1 ½ months) to 203.5 days (less than 7 months) during the previous five fiscal years (2005/06 to 2009/10).  In the majority (57%) of cases during the previous five fiscal years, the FTWE was completed in less than 120 days (4 months).

 The yearly average processing times are as follows:

 2005/06 – 75.5 days

2006/07 – 117.3 days

2007/08 – 203.5 days

2008/09 – 42.0 days

2009/10 – 109.0 days

Source:  Health Canada Access to Information Request A-2010-00056 / ne