“Andrew,” said the Pharisee church pastor, “you need to confess your sins and be held accountable in one of my Christian accountability groups. You clearly have sin in your life.”
“You are obviously unwell. This means you have sinned. All diseases, from the common cold to cancer, are caused by sin in your life. Disease is one of many ways that God uses to punish people for their sins. Because of that, if I see that someone is sick, I know automatically that it is because of sin in that person’s life.
“For example, let us suppose someone is born blind. I know right away that someone must have sinned to cause this blindness; the only unknown is whether it is the blind person who is the sinner in need of Christian accountability, or whether it is that person’s parents who sinned and need to be held accountable.”
Pharisee church pastor, I can see how the parents could have sinned. But how is it possible that a newborn infant could have committed sins by birth?
“Andrew,” replied the Pharisee church pastor, “you need to pay better attention to my teachings! Recall my teaching on the evils of the AIDS vaccine. Children, even those who have just been born, can be punished through diseases, as preventive judgement. These children would have grown up to become homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes, and for that reason they are punished by diseases such as AIDS.
“It is also possible that someone could have committed sins while being a fetus. While the specific sins committed by a fetus is not known, what I know is that all living persons, born or unborn, are sinners who need to be held accountable by accountability partners or Christian accountability groups.
“Another clear example of someone being punished, through disease because of sin, is Stephen Hawking. This sinful man is best known for his atheism, followed by his amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (Lou Gehrig’s disease). The connection between the two is that his atheism is the reason for his disease.
“What Stephen Hawking needs to do is to repent from his atheism and numerous other sins, and be held accountable in Christian accountability. I understand that Hawking will be making frequent visits to the Waterloo area. He should count it a blessing that I happen to be running a Christian accountability group for executives of Research In Motion (RIM), makers of the Blackberry smartphone. I invite Hawking to join my group, so I can hold him accountable for his sins. By having me as an accountability partner, and repenting from his sins, Hawking may perhaps accomplish something with his life, and maybe make a contribution to society.
“The most important thing to remember is this: all disease is caused by sin in that person’s life. If someone is sick, it is because of sin, and that person is being punished for it. The sick person needs to be held accountable for their sins by an accountability partner, in a Christian accountability group.”
Say, Pharisee church pastor, I heard you having a coughing fit the other day…
Tags: accountability partner, accountability partners, AIDS, allergy, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, Blackberry, cancer, Christian accountability, Christianity, common cold, disease, hay fever, health, legalism, Lou Gehrig’s disease, Pharisee church pastor, ragweed, Research In Motion, RIM, sin, Stephen Hawking, Waterloo