Pharisee church pastor demands the authority to inspect Blackberry messages “for Christian accountability”

Being always on the lookout for what he calls “instruments of moral decay”, the Pharisee church pastor boldly announced today his latest attempt to intrude into other people’s lives. The latest target? Research In Motion (RIM)’s Blackberry smartphones.

“Secret communication through technology continues to be one of Satan’s favourite methods in destroying moral values,” thundered the Pharisee church pastor behind his pulpit.  “Blackberry messages, being encrypted in the strongest manner publicly available, are clearly being used by the evil homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes to devise devilish plots with the aim of destroying the family and other Christian moral values.  This must stop.

“To prevent the Blackberry from continuing to be a means for the devil’s followers to communicate with each other, I hereby demand in the name of divine judgement that RIM place its messaging servers in my church, route all Blackberry messages through those servers, and provide me with the means to inspect any and all of those messages.  If I find any messages that I deem to be contrary to my Christian values, I will delete them immediately and bring the sender into Christian accountability through holy condemnation.

“RIM executives need to do this before God sends forth an army of angels as judgement for their lack of Christian accountability.  To avoid burning in hell for eternity, RIM executives need to become my disciples and join my church.  Indeed, I will be happy to start up and lead a special Christian accountability group to hold RIM executives accountable spiritually.  If making weekly trips to the Kitchener-Waterloo area, with its sinful display of alcoholic debauchery every October, is what it takes to ensure RIM executives are rightly condemned for their sins, I shall be happy to make it happen.

“While we are waiting for RIM executives to repent from their sins, effective immediately, all those belonging to my Christian accountability groups shall ensure that all Blackberry messages sent by them be copied to their Christian accountability group leader immediately, so any un-Christian words or thoughts can be immediately condemned and the person held accountable without delay.”

Wow, a special “Christian accountability group” just for them. RIM executives must be thrilled. Probably not!

Christian teachers in Ontario may need to resign from the profession

Among many other things, the Pharisee church pastor I wrote about in my earlier story declared that Christians are not allowed to participate in lotteries.  I did hear this un-Biblical prohibition preached from the pulpit, which was why it was in the story.  Those Christians who hold on to this opinion, and who happen to be teachers in the Province of Ontario, Canada, will now need to resign from their profession immediately.  This is because the Ontario Teachers’ Pension Plan has just bought the operator of the United Kingdom National Lottery, making current and former Ontario teachers the owners of a major lottery scheme:

Story from the Globe and Mail, Canada’s National Newspaper

News Release from the Ontario Teachers’ Pension Plan

Retired teachers will also have to voluntarily decline their pensions as well.  Perhaps the Pharisee church pastor might be willing to pay the bills of those in “his church” in this situation, although I highly doubt it.