Pharisee church pastor declares “holy victory” over the elimination of eco fees in Ontario

Upon hearing the news that the Ontario government is scrapping point-of-sale eco fees, the Pharisee church pastor made the following proclamation:

“Today is a great day for all Christian saints and angels of God.  After many prayer sessions by me and my Christian accountability groups, the army of angels from God has struck a devastating wound against the Antichrist Dalton McGuinty, Premier of Ontario, using the flames of holy judgement.  The Antichrist has no choice but to eliminate the satanic eco tax.

“I rejoice that God has answered my prayers for Dalton McGuinty’s spiritual defeat.  However, the removal of the eco tax alone is not enough for Dalton McGunity to escape the holy wrath of an angry God.  The Premier needs to immediately resign his position as the Devil’s representative, join my church, and attend one of my Christian accountability groups.  It is only by being spiritually accountable to me that he can obtain salvation.”

Pharisee church pastor demands the authority to inspect Blackberry messages “for Christian accountability”

Being always on the lookout for what he calls “instruments of moral decay”, the Pharisee church pastor boldly announced today his latest attempt to intrude into other people’s lives. The latest target? Research In Motion (RIM)’s Blackberry smartphones.

“Secret communication through technology continues to be one of Satan’s favourite methods in destroying moral values,” thundered the Pharisee church pastor behind his pulpit.  “Blackberry messages, being encrypted in the strongest manner publicly available, are clearly being used by the evil homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes to devise devilish plots with the aim of destroying the family and other Christian moral values.  This must stop.

“To prevent the Blackberry from continuing to be a means for the devil’s followers to communicate with each other, I hereby demand in the name of divine judgement that RIM place its messaging servers in my church, route all Blackberry messages through those servers, and provide me with the means to inspect any and all of those messages.  If I find any messages that I deem to be contrary to my Christian values, I will delete them immediately and bring the sender into Christian accountability through holy condemnation.

“RIM executives need to do this before God sends forth an army of angels as judgement for their lack of Christian accountability.  To avoid burning in hell for eternity, RIM executives need to become my disciples and join my church.  Indeed, I will be happy to start up and lead a special Christian accountability group to hold RIM executives accountable spiritually.  If making weekly trips to the Kitchener-Waterloo area, with its sinful display of alcoholic debauchery every October, is what it takes to ensure RIM executives are rightly condemned for their sins, I shall be happy to make it happen.

“While we are waiting for RIM executives to repent from their sins, effective immediately, all those belonging to my Christian accountability groups shall ensure that all Blackberry messages sent by them be copied to their Christian accountability group leader immediately, so any un-Christian words or thoughts can be immediately condemned and the person held accountable without delay.”

Wow, a special “Christian accountability group” just for them. RIM executives must be thrilled. Probably not!

Pharisee church pastor calls for immediate halt to AIDS vaccine research

The Pharisee church pastor was exceptionally agitated when he saw me today. He proclaimed:

“Moral values are under threat today like never before. The devil is planning to unleash an unprecedented wave of promiscuity and licentiousness onto the world very soon.”

Explain, Pharisee church pastor?

“The science people had just made a major discovery that can lead to the development of a vaccine against AIDS. Right now, the universal fear of AIDS is a fundamental tool in ensuring people remain chaste and abstain from pre- and extra-marital sex. Indeed, in my Christian accountability groups for teenage boys as well as those for teenage girls, I stress the message that if they engage in sex before or outside marriage that is sanctioned by my church, they will catch AIDS, die a horrible death, and burn in hell for eternity.

If the science people were to be successful in discovering an effective vaccine against AIDS, thus making the disease preventable other than by abstinence, people will be free to indulge in their deepest animal desires for lust. Incidences of the Three Worst Sins – Homosexuality, Adultery, and Prostitution – will skyrocket.

Indeed, AIDS was created by God to punish homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes. That’s why people get the disease from these sins. All efforts to eliminate this instrument of God’s judgement represent a conspiracy between the devil, homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes.”

But, Pharisee church pastor, what about the 280,000 children who died of AIDS in 2008? And how about the over 14 million AIDS orphans in Africa?

“That is preventive judgement. Some of these children would have grown up to become homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes, while others are now divinely warned not to engage in these sins.

But this is not the first time the devil is corrupting moral values through a vaccine. The evil one has already created the HPV vaccine in order to lead teenage girls to sexual promiscuity. I and all my Christian accountability groups will be praying for the defeat of all evil schemes to promote lust through vaccination.”

Pharisee church pastor, if a deadly virus is your friend, what kind of horrible creature does that make you?

Pharisee church pastor calls Dalton McGuinty “The Antichrist” over eco fees

The Pharisee church pastor announced to me today that he has “proven” that Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty is the Antichrist described in the Bible.

“People in Ontario may have noticed that starting a couple of weeks ago, Dalton McGuinty’s government has been collecting an ‘eco tax’ at the cash register.  I discovered that that maximum amount for Dalton McGuinty’s eco tax is $6.66.

As any serious reader of the Bible knows, the number 666 is no ordinary number.  It is, in fact, the very number of the evil Antichrist, the demonic Beast whose mission is to seduce the world for the Devil.  By setting the high amount of his eco tax to coincide with this satanic number, Dalton McGuinty has claimed this number for himself.  Therefore, he has revealed himself to be the Antichrist.

Ever since he tried to sexualize Ontario’s elementary schoolchildren, I have considered Dalton McGuinty’s spirituality to be under great suspicion.  Now, by imposing the number 666 on Ontario residents, the Premier is clearly the Evil One foretold by prophecy.

My church and all Christian accountability groups under me will be praying day and night for Dalton McGuinty’s spiritual defeat.  We will ask God to send armies of angels to destroy the Antichrist’s plans, starting with the eco tax.  The Premier needs to immediately resign his position as the Devil’s representative, join my church, and attend one of my Christian accountability groups.  It is only by being spiritually accountable to me that he can obtain salvation.”

Pharisee church pastor, I don’t think even the opposition parties at Queen’s Park are with you on this one.