“All diseases, from the common cold to cancer, are caused by sin in your life” declares the Pharisee church pastor

It being the middle of ragweed allergy season, I let out a few sneezes during my last visit to the Pharisee church pastor’s office.

“Andrew,” said the Pharisee church pastor, “you need to confess your sins and be held accountable in one of my Christian accountability groups.  You clearly have sin in your life.”

Say what?

“You are obviously unwell.  This means you have sinned.  All diseases, from the common cold to cancer, are caused by sin in your life.  Disease is one of many ways that God uses to punish people for their sins.  Because of that, if I see that someone is sick, I know automatically that it is because of sin in that person’s life.

“For example, let us suppose someone is born blind.  I know right away that someone must have sinned to cause this blindness; the only unknown is whether it is the blind person who is the sinner in need of Christian accountability, or whether it is that person’s parents who sinned and need to be held accountable.”

Pharisee church pastor, I can see how the parents could have sinned.  But how is it possible that a newborn infant could have committed sins by birth?

“Andrew,” replied the Pharisee church pastor, “you need to pay better attention to my teachings!  Recall my teaching on the evils of the AIDS vaccine.  Children, even those who have just been born, can be punished through diseases, as preventive judgement.  These children would have grown up to become homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes, and for that reason they are punished by diseases such as AIDS.

“It is also possible that someone could have committed sins while being a fetus.  While the specific sins committed by a fetus is not known, what I know is that all living persons, born or unborn, are sinners who need to be held accountable by accountability partners or Christian accountability groups.

“Another clear example of someone being punished, through disease because of sin, is Stephen Hawking.  This sinful man is best known for his atheism, followed by his amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (Lou Gehrig’s disease).  The connection between the two is that his atheism is the reason for his disease.

“What Stephen Hawking needs to do is to repent from his atheism and numerous other sins, and be held accountable in Christian accountability.  I understand that Hawking will be making frequent visits to the Waterloo area.  He should count it a blessing that I happen to be running a Christian accountability group for executives of Research In Motion (RIM), makers of the Blackberry smartphone.  I invite Hawking to join my group, so I can hold him accountable for his sins.  By having me as an accountability partner, and repenting from his sins, Hawking may perhaps accomplish something with his life, and maybe make a contribution to society.

“The most important thing to remember is this: all disease is caused by sin in that person’s life.  If someone is sick, it is because of sin, and that person is being punished for it.  The sick person needs to be held accountable for their sins by an accountability partner, in a Christian accountability group.”

Say, Pharisee church pastor, I heard you having a coughing fit the other day…

Pharisee church pastor calls for immediate halt to AIDS vaccine research

The Pharisee church pastor was exceptionally agitated when he saw me today. He proclaimed:

“Moral values are under threat today like never before. The devil is planning to unleash an unprecedented wave of promiscuity and licentiousness onto the world very soon.”

Explain, Pharisee church pastor?

“The science people had just made a major discovery that can lead to the development of a vaccine against AIDS. Right now, the universal fear of AIDS is a fundamental tool in ensuring people remain chaste and abstain from pre- and extra-marital sex. Indeed, in my Christian accountability groups for teenage boys as well as those for teenage girls, I stress the message that if they engage in sex before or outside marriage that is sanctioned by my church, they will catch AIDS, die a horrible death, and burn in hell for eternity.

If the science people were to be successful in discovering an effective vaccine against AIDS, thus making the disease preventable other than by abstinence, people will be free to indulge in their deepest animal desires for lust. Incidences of the Three Worst Sins – Homosexuality, Adultery, and Prostitution – will skyrocket.

Indeed, AIDS was created by God to punish homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes. That’s why people get the disease from these sins. All efforts to eliminate this instrument of God’s judgement represent a conspiracy between the devil, homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes.”

But, Pharisee church pastor, what about the 280,000 children who died of AIDS in 2008? And how about the over 14 million AIDS orphans in Africa?

“That is preventive judgement. Some of these children would have grown up to become homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes, while others are now divinely warned not to engage in these sins.

But this is not the first time the devil is corrupting moral values through a vaccine. The evil one has already created the HPV vaccine in order to lead teenage girls to sexual promiscuity. I and all my Christian accountability groups will be praying for the defeat of all evil schemes to promote lust through vaccination.”

Pharisee church pastor, if a deadly virus is your friend, what kind of horrible creature does that make you?