In his latest sermon, the Pharisee church pastor proclaimed that bed bugs are “God’s wingless angels to punish those who embrace homosexuality”.
“God’s anger is poured out over the sinful cities that have embraced the evil of homosexuality,” said the Pharisee church pastor. “As examples, when one reviews the top 10 cities with the worst bed bug infestations, one can clearly see that they are those cities that have allowed homosexual sin to flourish.”
Details of the correlation between bed bugs and homosexuality, as described by the Pharisee church pastor on various occasions, are as follows:
10. Denver, Colorado
“Denver is being punished because they instituted something called the Colorado Gay Rodeo,” said the Pharisee church pastor. “A rodeo is where true masculine men celebrate their maleness, but homosexuals have desecrated this activity by associating it with sodomy. It is for this evil that bed bugs were sent to destroy Denver.”
9. Chicago, Illinois
“Judgement is on Chicago through bed bugs, as they established the first officially recognized homosexual neighbourhood in the United States,” explained the Pharisee church pastor. “In addition, they host a disgusting homosexual parade every year. Even worse, there is a homosexual part of the city called Boystown, a most revolting name that betrays the secret agenda of homosexuals to corrupt pure and innocent boys into a life of homosexual debauchery.
“Fortunately, there are true men like myself who are dedicated and devoted to engaging boys intimately since when they are young, so they can be guided to the path of holy manhood and grow up filled with masculinity from, I mean like, myself.”
Pharisee church pastor, that last bit was…interesting.
8. Vancouver, British Columbia
“The greatest sin committed by Vancouver is the embracing of homosexuality,” declared the Pharisee church pastor. “During the winter when manly men, like me, are sharing physical body warmth to keep out the cold, Vancouver organizes a winter homosexual celebration and thus tainting masculine warmth-sharing with the overtures of sodomy.
“That is why bed bugs have been sent to punish Vancouver.”
The Pharisee church pastor then looked at me. “You know Andrew, I really enjoy sharing body warmth with masculine men during the wintertime,” he said, while wiping away some drool.
7. Durham, North Carolina
“Bed bugs were sent to Durham to punish them for their homosexual parade,” said the Pharisee church pastor.
That’s a pretty short explanation compared to the other cities so far, I replied.
“Well, that’s reason enough!” was the Pharisee church pastor’s reply.
6. San Francisco, California
“San Francisco calls itself the homosexual capital of the world,” proclaimed the Pharisee church pastor. “Not only are they indulging in their sin, they are actually filled with pride for being sinful.
“With an annual homosexual parade for the past 40 years, and being the self-appointed capital of homosexuality, it is fitting that large numbers of bed bugs have been dispatched to punish this modern-day Sodom. Bite away, wingless angels!”
5. Manchester, New Hampshire
“New Hampshire has abandoned its Christian heritage and instead embraced the evil of homosexuality,” roared the Pharisee church pastor. “They actually allow homosexuals to marry each other, in defiance of God’s design for marriage. For this, they already deserve a huge contingent of bed bugs.
“But even more, New Hampshire is also where that apostate sinner V. Gene Robinson, heretic homosexual Bishop of the satanic Episcopal Church, bases his diabolical operations. I am pleased, however, that the angelic bed bugs have succeeded in forcing Robinson into early retirement. I ask God to send even more bed bugs to Manchester, until New Hampshire’s sin of embracing homosexuality is sucked out of it.”
4. Bloomington, Indiana
“Bloomington is particularly sinful in its embrace of homosexuality, even declaring that it is homosexual everyday in Bloomington in its slogan,” declared the Pharisee church pastor. “Even worse, it is the home of the first student-sponsored homosexual competition held on any college campus.
“By flaunting their well-formed bodies to the public, each year the contestants engage in immoral seduction of me, I mean, ordinary wholesome men to the sinful trap of homosexuality. That is why Bloomington has a bed bug epidemic.”
Pharisee church pastor, since you somehow are always in Bloomington each year at the time of Miss Gay IU, you are obviously an expert in this event.
3. Toronto, Ontario
“Bed bugs have been sent by God to punish Toronto because it and the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey club have embraced homosexuality,” said the Pharisee church pastor. “As I have preached before, the Toronto Maple Leafs will not win the Stanley Cup because God is punishing them for embracing homosexuality. Since the entire city in now in sin, bed bugs have been sent as the next punishment.
“Until Toronto repents and everyone is held accountable through accountability partners in Christian accountability, more punishment from heaven will follow.”
2. New York City, New York
“The sin of New York, for which they are being punished by bed bugs, is their acceptance of homosexuality,” declared the Pharisee church pastor.
But, Pharisee church pastor, if we are discussing what could be the sins of New York, should we not be talking about greed and avarice?
“I don’t know anything about that. All I know is that homosexuality is the sin of all sins, and bed bugs have been sent to punish those who embrace it,” replied the Pharisee church pastor.
1. Columbus, Ohio
“Some have called Columbus one of the United States’ more underrated homosexual cities,” thundered the Pharisee church pastor. “But the sin of homosexuality cannot be hidden from the judgement of God, and Columbus cannot escape the punishment by bed bugs.
“Columbus has allowed itself to contaminate wholesome sports by hosting homosexual bowling and softball tournaments. What can be more sinful than the display of toned bodies, touched by homosexuality, in motion? Mmmm…I mean what an abomination!”
Thanks for your detailed explanations about bed bugs, Pharisee church pastor. Say, you have been scratching yourself quite a bit lately…