Archive for the ‘Pharisee church pastor’ Category

Pharisee church pastor condemns the prophet Elijah for “sinfully living with a woman who is not his wife”

2011/08/20

In his latest tirade against “deteriorating morality in the world”, the Pharisee church pastor called the prophet Elijah in the Bible “a man of sin who violated the many and always-expanding rules of Christian accountability” for living with a widow while he stayed in Zarephath.

“An important rule of Christian accountability is that a man must never live with a woman who is not his wife,” the Pharisee church pastor explained. “If Elijah wanted to live with that widow, he should have married her first. Since he did not do so, he was living in sin.”

“It is therefore obvious why the widow’s son became so sick that he died,” continued the Pharisee church pastor. “As I have preached before, all diseases, from the common cold to cancer, are caused by sin in your life. The illness and death of the widow’s son is the result of either the child’s own sins, or the sins of his parents, or both. With his mother living in sin with the man Elijah who was not her husband, this child’s sickness and death is well deserved as a measure of Christian accountability.”

“If Elijah were indeed a prophet, as he is commonly known, he would know to never associate with sinners, such as a woman living with a man who is not her husband, in order to keep himself pure and holy in accordance with the rules of Christian accountability,” explained the Pharisee church pastor, “because Christians are not allowed to associate with sinners. I have no doubt that the man of sin Elijah has been burning in hell since his death.”

But, Pharisee church pastor, Elijah was apparently told to live with the widow in Zarephath, would that not be an acceptable excuse?

The one who told Elijah to live with a woman who is not his wife is clearly even more sinful than Elijah,” thundered the Pharisee church pastor in response, “and whoever this is needs to immediately join in one of my Christian accountability groups, so I can hold him accountable as his accountability partner.”

Pharisee church pastor, as someone who says that you will hold God accountable, I suppose that if God is to come into the world, you would crucify Him to death on a cross.

Pharisee church pastor condemns postal (snail) mail for “promoting homosexual affairs”, calls for boycott by Christians

2010/12/05

In today’s sermon, the Pharisee church pastor informed his congregation that he has instructed all church staff and Christian accountability group leaders to discontinue receiving and sending postal (snail) mail, because postal letters can be used to “facilitate and promote homosexual affairs”. He called on all Christians to immediately join in the boycott as well:

“I’ve been in extended counselling with couples with marital problems because of letters sent through the mail for the last year and a half,” said the Pharisee church pastor. “What happens is someone from yesterday surfaces, it leads to conversations and there have been physical meet-ups. The temptation is just too great.”

“The instruction will go to the entire church,” the Pharisee church pastor added. “You already heard what I’m asking of my Christian accountability group leaders, as well as those for whom I am the accountability partner. I hereby proclaim a new fundamental Rule of Christian Living for all Christians: all Christians must immediately stop sending and receiving postal mail, or risk being disowned by Jesus Christ on Final Judgement Day.”

“In the past, I have only instructed married Christians to open each other’s mail, and to submit their letters for inspection by their accountability partners, as a means of Christian accountability,” explained the Pharisee church pastor. “However, with the sin of homosexuality being so prevalent in this year 2010, more and tighter rules need to be followed in order to be saved from eternal burning in hell. Now, if you want to go to heaven, you need to immediately abstain from postal mail.”

“Remember, to have eternal life and get into heaven, grace is not enough,” stressed the Pharisee church pastor. “You also need to be held accountable by an accountability partner in Christian accountability, as well as strictly follow an expanding list of Rules of Christian Living proclaimed by me.”

Say, Pharisee church pastor, I saw you take a subscription copy of “Out” magazine from your mailbox the other day…

Pharisee church pastor calls bed bugs “God’s wingless angels to punish those who embrace homosexuality”

2010/11/20

In his latest sermon, the Pharisee church pastor proclaimed that bed bugs are “God’s wingless angels to punish those who embrace homosexuality”.

“God’s anger is poured out over the sinful cities that have embraced the evil of homosexuality,” said the Pharisee church pastor. “As examples, when one reviews the top 10 cities with the worst bed bug infestations, one can clearly see that they are those cities that have allowed homosexual sin to flourish.”

Details of the correlation between bed bugs and homosexuality, as described by the Pharisee church pastor on various occasions, are as follows:

10. Denver, Colorado

“Denver is being punished because they instituted something called the Colorado Gay Rodeo,” said the Pharisee church pastor. “A rodeo is where true masculine men celebrate their maleness, but homosexuals have desecrated this activity by associating it with sodomy. It is for this evil that bed bugs were sent to destroy Denver.”

9. Chicago, Illinois

“Judgement is on Chicago through bed bugs, as they established the first officially recognized homosexual neighbourhood in the United States,” explained the Pharisee church pastor. “In addition, they host a disgusting homosexual parade every year. Even worse, there is a homosexual part of the city called Boystown, a most revolting name that betrays the secret agenda of homosexuals to corrupt pure and innocent boys into a life of homosexual debauchery.

“Fortunately, there are true men like myself who are dedicated and devoted to engaging boys intimately since when they are young, so they can be guided to the path of holy manhood and grow up filled with masculinity from, I mean like, myself.”

Pharisee church pastor, that last bit was…interesting.

8. Vancouver, British Columbia

“The greatest sin committed by Vancouver is the embracing of homosexuality,” declared the Pharisee church pastor. “During the winter when manly men, like me, are sharing physical body warmth to keep out the cold, Vancouver organizes a winter homosexual celebration and thus tainting masculine warmth-sharing with the overtures of sodomy.

“That is why bed bugs have been sent to punish Vancouver.”

The Pharisee church pastor then looked at me. “You know Andrew, I really enjoy sharing body warmth with masculine men during the wintertime,” he said, while wiping away some drool.

7. Durham, North Carolina

“Bed bugs were sent to Durham to punish them for their homosexual parade,” said the Pharisee church pastor.

That’s a pretty short explanation compared to the other cities so far, I replied.

“Well, that’s reason enough!” was the Pharisee church pastor’s reply.

6. San Francisco, California

“San Francisco calls itself the homosexual capital of the world,” proclaimed the Pharisee church pastor. “Not only are they indulging in their sin, they are actually filled with pride for being sinful.

“With an annual homosexual parade for the past 40 years, and being the self-appointed capital of homosexuality, it is fitting that large numbers of bed bugs have been dispatched to punish this modern-day Sodom. Bite away, wingless angels!”

5. Manchester, New Hampshire

“New Hampshire has abandoned its Christian heritage and instead embraced the evil of homosexuality,” roared the Pharisee church pastor. “They actually allow homosexuals to marry each other, in defiance of God’s design for marriage. For this, they already deserve a huge contingent of bed bugs.

“But even more, New Hampshire is also where that apostate sinner V. Gene Robinson, heretic homosexual Bishop of the satanic Episcopal Church, bases his diabolical operations. I am pleased, however, that the angelic bed bugs have succeeded in forcing Robinson into early retirement. I ask God to send even more bed bugs to Manchester, until New Hampshire’s sin of embracing homosexuality is sucked out of it.”

4. Bloomington, Indiana

“Bloomington is particularly sinful in its embrace of homosexuality, even declaring that it is homosexual everyday in Bloomington in its slogan,” declared the Pharisee church pastor. “Even worse, it is the home of the first student-sponsored homosexual competition held on any college campus.

“By flaunting their well-formed bodies to the public, each year the contestants engage in immoral seduction of me, I mean, ordinary wholesome men to the sinful trap of homosexuality. That is why Bloomington has a bed bug epidemic.”

Pharisee church pastor, since you somehow are always in Bloomington each year at the time of Miss Gay IU, you are obviously an expert in this event.

3. Toronto, Ontario

“Bed bugs have been sent by God to punish Toronto because it and the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey club have embraced homosexuality,” said the Pharisee church pastor. “As I have preached before, the Toronto Maple Leafs will not win the Stanley Cup because God is punishing them for embracing homosexuality. Since the entire city in now in sin, bed bugs have been sent as the next punishment.

“Until Toronto repents and everyone is held accountable through accountability partners in Christian accountability, more punishment from heaven will follow.”

2. New York City, New York

“The sin of New York, for which they are being punished by bed bugs, is their acceptance of homosexuality,” declared the Pharisee church pastor.

But, Pharisee church pastor, if we are discussing what could be the sins of New York, should we not be talking about greed and avarice?

I don’t know anything about that. All I know is that homosexuality is the sin of all sins, and bed bugs have been sent to punish those who embrace it,” replied the Pharisee church pastor.

1. Columbus, Ohio

“Some have called Columbus one of the United States’ more underrated homosexual cities,” thundered the Pharisee church pastor. “But the sin of homosexuality cannot be hidden from the judgement of God, and Columbus cannot escape the punishment by bed bugs.

“Columbus has allowed itself to contaminate wholesome sports by hosting homosexual bowling and softball tournaments. What can be more sinful than the display of toned bodies, touched by homosexuality, in motion? Mmmm…I mean what an abomination!”

Thanks for your detailed explanations about bed bugs, Pharisee church pastor. Say, you have been scratching yourself quite a bit lately…

Pharisee church pastor declares “holy victory” over the elimination of eco fees in Ontario

2010/10/12

Upon hearing the news that the Ontario government is scrapping point-of-sale eco fees, the Pharisee church pastor made the following proclamation:

“Today is a great day for all Christian saints and angels of God.  After many prayer sessions by me and my Christian accountability groups, the army of angels from God has struck a devastating wound against the Antichrist Dalton McGuinty, Premier of Ontario, using the flames of holy judgement.  The Antichrist has no choice but to eliminate the satanic eco tax.

“I rejoice that God has answered my prayers for Dalton McGuinty’s spiritual defeat.  However, the removal of the eco tax alone is not enough for Dalton McGunity to escape the holy wrath of an angry God.  The Premier needs to immediately resign his position as the Devil’s representative, join my church, and attend one of my Christian accountability groups.  It is only by being spiritually accountable to me that he can obtain salvation.”

Pharisee church pastor condemns Katy Perry for “inciting lust in the hearts of children”

2010/09/21

The Pharisee church pastor was upset today after watching some children’s programming.

“That harlot Katy Perry is now inciting lust in the hearts of children,” he proclaimed.  “By displaying her lust-inducing breast cleavage, she is sexualizing our children, just like Dalton McGuinty, Ontario’s antichrist Premier.

“I have previously preached extensively on the lust-inducing and seductive power of female breasts.  That is why, in my Christian accountability questions, women are asked if they have ensured that that way they dress did not result in men who are not their husbands to experience lust.  Remember, if any man who is not a woman’s husband feels lust when he looks at her, she is an evil prostitute and adulterer.  A woman is accountable and responsible for making sure that men do not experience lust with her as the object.”

The offending video is here:

The Pharisee church pastor added, “If Katy Perry were my daughter, as a pastor, I would condemn her to hell and publicly announce that this sinner is no longer my daughter.  This is the same course of action I described when I talked about if I had a son who is homosexual.   Strict adherence to the many rules of Christian living overrides all other considerations, like love.

“Speaking of that unpardonable sin of homosexuality, Katy Perry is well known for her promotion of lesbianism, in addition to her wanton seduction of men.  By displaying her breasts, therefore, she is inducing immoral lust in the hearts of both boys and girls, in a conspiracy with Ontario’s antichrist Premier Dalton McGuinty.

“Katy Perry’s harlotry can be directly traced back to her consumption of deviled eggs earlier in life.  It is obvious that eating the Devil’s eggs leads to the Devil growing inside you.  Now that the Devil in Miss Perry has matured, she seeks to incite lust in every heart, whether that be of a man, woman, boy or girl.

“Katy Perry needs to be held accountable by an accountability partner, preferably myself, in Christian accountability.

“Remember this: Katy Perry’s breasts represent one of the most corrupting influences on children nowadays.”

Pharisee church pastor, I don’t think even Katy Perry’s Christian parents agree with you.  Keith and Mary Hudson commented, “The love of God saved all of us with a hand of mercy, not a finger of judgment.”

Besides, today’s toddlers would most likely recognize Katy Perry’s breasts as meal containers.  As for who is filled with lust, Pharisee church pastor, perhaps you might want to look in a mirror?

“All diseases, from the common cold to cancer, are caused by sin in your life” declares the Pharisee church pastor

2010/09/12

It being the middle of ragweed allergy season, I let out a few sneezes during my last visit to the Pharisee church pastor’s office.

“Andrew,” said the Pharisee church pastor, “you need to confess your sins and be held accountable in one of my Christian accountability groups.  You clearly have sin in your life.”

Say what?

“You are obviously unwell.  This means you have sinned.  All diseases, from the common cold to cancer, are caused by sin in your life.  Disease is one of many ways that God uses to punish people for their sins.  Because of that, if I see that someone is sick, I know automatically that it is because of sin in that person’s life.

“For example, let us suppose someone is born blind.  I know right away that someone must have sinned to cause this blindness; the only unknown is whether it is the blind person who is the sinner in need of Christian accountability, or whether it is that person’s parents who sinned and need to be held accountable.”

Pharisee church pastor, I can see how the parents could have sinned.  But how is it possible that a newborn infant could have committed sins by birth?

“Andrew,” replied the Pharisee church pastor, “you need to pay better attention to my teachings!  Recall my teaching on the evils of the AIDS vaccine.  Children, even those who have just been born, can be punished through diseases, as preventive judgement.  These children would have grown up to become homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes, and for that reason they are punished by diseases such as AIDS.

“It is also possible that someone could have committed sins while being a fetus.  While the specific sins committed by a fetus is not known, what I know is that all living persons, born or unborn, are sinners who need to be held accountable by accountability partners or Christian accountability groups.

“Another clear example of someone being punished, through disease because of sin, is Stephen Hawking.  This sinful man is best known for his atheism, followed by his amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (Lou Gehrig’s disease).  The connection between the two is that his atheism is the reason for his disease.

“What Stephen Hawking needs to do is to repent from his atheism and numerous other sins, and be held accountable in Christian accountability.  I understand that Hawking will be making frequent visits to the Waterloo area.  He should count it a blessing that I happen to be running a Christian accountability group for executives of Research In Motion (RIM), makers of the Blackberry smartphone.  I invite Hawking to join my group, so I can hold him accountable for his sins.  By having me as an accountability partner, and repenting from his sins, Hawking may perhaps accomplish something with his life, and maybe make a contribution to society.

“The most important thing to remember is this: all disease is caused by sin in that person’s life.  If someone is sick, it is because of sin, and that person is being punished for it.  The sick person needs to be held accountable for their sins by an accountability partner, in a Christian accountability group.”

Say, Pharisee church pastor, I heard you having a coughing fit the other day…

Christian accountability groups, Pharisee church pastor style

2010/08/15

The concept of “Christian accountability” is a fundamental cornerstone of the Pharisee church pastor’s teaching.  He explains as follows:

“Every Christian must belong to a Christian accountability group, preferably one in my church, or else that Christian is no better than a pagan destined for hell.  Christians must be held accountable for their sins on a regular basis, and unless I successfully hold my disciples accountable for the sins they committed since the last Christian accountability group meeting, I would have failed as a pastor.

“What your blogs’ readers may not realize is that Christian accountability group meetings can be informal occasions.  While many of these meetings take place inside the church building, they can take place anywhere appropriate, such as in people’s homes, or even in restaurants that can seat a group in a quiet corner.  In my church, we keep the formal stuff in Sunday services.  Being informal, however, does not mean careless.  All Christians who attend my Christian accountability group meetings will experience God’s judgement and wrath against all the sins they have committed.  They will leave with the full understanding that God is always watching them, and I will hold them accountable.

“During a Christian accountability group meeting, each person, in turn, is to confess all the sins they have committed since the last meeting, using the Christian Accountability Questions checklist as a guide.  The group leader, usually me, will inform the person sternly of God’s judgement and wrath against each of those sins.  The person shall repent of those sins, and publicly commit to strive for his/her best efforts to never sin againGod demands our best, and requires perfection from us.

“What I have noticed is that sin is such a constant in Christians’ lives, there is never a shortage of sins that need to be condemned for each person each time.  But I am constantly devising more and more rules of Christian living so my disciples will know what they must do and what they must not do.  To me, do’s and don’ts are what Christian living is all about.”

Here is the Pharisee church pastor’s Christian Accountability Questions checklist:

1.  How much time have you been spending in the Bible and how has God used His word to guide you in your quiet time this week?  Be specific:  name the time and place.

2.  How has your prayer life been this week?  Who and what have you been praying for?

3.  What have you done this week to spend quality, relational/fellowship time with other Christians who will hold you accountable?  What could you do?

4.  Do you have anyone you need to forgive?

5.  What intentional steps have you taken this week to guard yourself against lustful thoughts, actions, and/or inappropriate media and materials?  Remember that if you ever feel lust, you have committed adultery.

6.  How have you embellished upon, manipulated or shaded the truth this week to make yourself look better to those at work, school, home, church and with friends?  (Of course you have.  Do not lie)

7.  Are you aware of any un-confessed sins in your life, and have you answered these Christian Accountability Questions truthfully?

8.  Did you give your best at work, school, small group, church etc. this week, if so how, if not why?

9.  In what ways have you honoured the Lord (in obedience to His word) regarding your finances this week?

10.  Have you shared the good news of Jesus Christ this week, if so with whom and have you prayed for them?  If not, what is your excuse for not fulfilling this holy obligation?

11.  Have you been with someone or communicated with someone (email, facebook, twitter, texting, Blackberry message etc.) this week in such a way that was inappropriate or could have looked or been perceived to other that you were using poor judgement?  Have you ensured that your Christian accountability group leader has been receiving copies of your electronic communication at the time of sending, so you can be immediately held accountable for any un-Christian words or thoughts?

12.  Married’s – In what ways have you demonstrated love and respect to your spouse this week?  Singles – Have you refrained from entering into any relationship that may lead to romantic/intimate attachment, with anyone who is not a member of our church, or who is not regularly held accountable by a Christian accountability group?  Everyone – What have you done to ensure that you did not participate in the evil that is homosexuality?

13.  Women – Have you ensured that that way you dress will not result in any man who is not your husband to experience lust?  Remember, if any man who is not your husband feels lust when they look at you, you are an evil prostitute and adulterer.  You are accountable and responsible for making sure that men do not experience lust with you as the object.  Breastfeeding mothers – have you ensured that, while breastfeeding, your breast is not visible by any man who is not your husband?

Fortunately for members of his church, the Pharisee church pastor can only come up with these 13 questions for now.

Pharisee church pastor demands the authority to inspect Blackberry messages “for Christian accountability”

2010/08/08

Being always on the lookout for what he calls “instruments of moral decay”, the Pharisee church pastor boldly announced today his latest attempt to intrude into other people’s lives. The latest target? Research In Motion (RIM)’s Blackberry smartphones.

“Secret communication through technology continues to be one of Satan’s favourite methods in destroying moral values,” thundered the Pharisee church pastor behind his pulpit.  “Blackberry messages, being encrypted in the strongest manner publicly available, are clearly being used by the evil homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes to devise devilish plots with the aim of destroying the family and other Christian moral values.  This must stop.

“To prevent the Blackberry from continuing to be a means for the devil’s followers to communicate with each other, I hereby demand in the name of divine judgement that RIM place its messaging servers in my church, route all Blackberry messages through those servers, and provide me with the means to inspect any and all of those messages.  If I find any messages that I deem to be contrary to my Christian values, I will delete them immediately and bring the sender into Christian accountability through holy condemnation.

“RIM executives need to do this before God sends forth an army of angels as judgement for their lack of Christian accountability.  To avoid burning in hell for eternity, RIM executives need to become my disciples and join my church.  Indeed, I will be happy to start up and lead a special Christian accountability group to hold RIM executives accountable spiritually.  If making weekly trips to the Kitchener-Waterloo area, with its sinful display of alcoholic debauchery every October, is what it takes to ensure RIM executives are rightly condemned for their sins, I shall be happy to make it happen.

“While we are waiting for RIM executives to repent from their sins, effective immediately, all those belonging to my Christian accountability groups shall ensure that all Blackberry messages sent by them be copied to their Christian accountability group leader immediately, so any un-Christian words or thoughts can be immediately condemned and the person held accountable without delay.”

Wow, a special “Christian accountability group” just for them. RIM executives must be thrilled. Probably not!

Pharisee church pastor calls for immediate halt to AIDS vaccine research

2010/08/04

The Pharisee church pastor was exceptionally agitated when he saw me today. He proclaimed:

“Moral values are under threat today like never before. The devil is planning to unleash an unprecedented wave of promiscuity and licentiousness onto the world very soon.”

Explain, Pharisee church pastor?

“The science people had just made a major discovery that can lead to the development of a vaccine against AIDS. Right now, the universal fear of AIDS is a fundamental tool in ensuring people remain chaste and abstain from pre- and extra-marital sex. Indeed, in my Christian accountability groups for teenage boys as well as those for teenage girls, I stress the message that if they engage in sex before or outside marriage that is sanctioned by my church, they will catch AIDS, die a horrible death, and burn in hell for eternity.

If the science people were to be successful in discovering an effective vaccine against AIDS, thus making the disease preventable other than by abstinence, people will be free to indulge in their deepest animal desires for lust. Incidences of the Three Worst Sins – Homosexuality, Adultery, and Prostitution – will skyrocket.

Indeed, AIDS was created by God to punish homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes. That’s why people get the disease from these sins. All efforts to eliminate this instrument of God’s judgement represent a conspiracy between the devil, homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes.”

But, Pharisee church pastor, what about the 280,000 children who died of AIDS in 2008? And how about the over 14 million AIDS orphans in Africa?

“That is preventive judgement. Some of these children would have grown up to become homosexuals, adulterers, and prostitutes, while others are now divinely warned not to engage in these sins.

But this is not the first time the devil is corrupting moral values through a vaccine. The evil one has already created the HPV vaccine in order to lead teenage girls to sexual promiscuity. I and all my Christian accountability groups will be praying for the defeat of all evil schemes to promote lust through vaccination.”

Pharisee church pastor, if a deadly virus is your friend, what kind of horrible creature does that make you?

Pharisee church pastor tells breastfeeding mothers to cover up

2010/07/23

The Pharisee church pastor complained to me about “women who use feeding their children as an excuse to trap men in lust”.

“What bothers me is the attitude that moms should be allowed to feed wherever they want, even if it is in public in front of young children or men who are not their husbands. This is a natural act, but it is also between a mother and child, not a mother, child, and the strange man at the table next to her.

There is just no reason that breastfeeding mothers cannot throw a blanket over their baby while breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is absolutely not a reason to expose a woman’s bare breast.

I have no problem with women nursing their baby in a public place. However, too many women think that everyone else wants to view their breast, and not give consideration to others who care about modesty. I find that to be sinful and in very poor taste. Some women just don’t care how much they expose. Shame on them!

My instructions to breastfeeding women are this: always be respectful, considerate, modest, and decent. A breast does not change what it is just because you are nursing. Men around you would definitely view it as a breast, as an object of sexual desire. Women are not supposed to expose themselves in public, where men who are not their husbands would be tempted by their exposed body parts.

The issue here is modesty. Once, during a bible study in my church, a new mother began to breastfeed her child while not properly covering herself. I immediately condemned her for her sinful exposure, and held her to account. There is no reason a breastfeeding mother should expose herself to others while nourishing her baby! She should either go to a private location, or simply cover herself appropriately. What she is doing is natural, but she needs to be respectful to others’ feelings.

Do not put a stumbling block in your brothers’ way. If you are not being modest with your breastfeeding habits, then you may be a stumbling block for men who are struggling with pornography or other temptations of lust. I have instructed all Christian accountability groups in my church to ensure that breastfeeding women are held to account regarding their modesty while breastfeeding.

I always act firmly and swiftly if I see any social misbehaviour by women (or men) who defy my Christian values. I demand the highest level of accountability from my disciples.”

Pharisee church pastor, speak for yourself when you talk about feelings of lust upon seeing a nursing mother. All I see is a mother’s wonderful love for her child.


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.